apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
