i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
