2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
