Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
