Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
