you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
