it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
