A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
