I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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