you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
