why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
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