I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
