yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
