I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
