Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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