He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
