we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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