i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I don't think brook has ever known best
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
