Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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