If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
