Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
