Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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