thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
