My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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