you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
