apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
