I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
