I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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