i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Randomize
