don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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