do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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