Sry I called you an 8
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
