Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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