Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
