I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
