My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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