I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
