I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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