I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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