Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
