Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
