So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
