if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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