when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
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Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
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Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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