Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Randomize
