So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Drake has all the answers
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
