I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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