Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
handjob tips. give me some.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
