i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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