I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
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I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
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I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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