I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
