if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
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