woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
