My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
