I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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