If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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