i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Randomize
