You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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