Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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