Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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