I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just high enough for therapy.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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