our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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