You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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