3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
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