I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Please, let me fuck your mom
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
